His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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