saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize