My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
