remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
