My liver just broke up with me...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
