dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
