I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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