as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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