I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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