So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
