Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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