When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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