I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
