My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
