who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
it was like eating out sand paper
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I didn't notice because vodka
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
