The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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