i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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