At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
