I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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