I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
