tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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