once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just invented taco cereal.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
