Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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