Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They took my balls.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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