I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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