I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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