Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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