woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Can you bring me the toilet please
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
