I'm so fucking centered right now
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
