my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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