Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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