dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
