she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
