Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
