I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
