The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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