I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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