That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
