how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
