That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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