When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize