i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
