my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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