Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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