I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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