new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
