im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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