Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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