he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
