She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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