I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
