The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
