No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
