I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
