I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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