I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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