just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
