Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
