I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
