The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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