I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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