There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
