i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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